Sunday, February 27, 2011

Live Blogging...

Ok, I'm going to blog as long as I can....

Uhm, thus far the Oscars are kind of a shit show...

Best Supporting Actress presentation is crazy. Kirk Douglas is a living legend... but who's idea was it for him to present that award? I'm not going to be a mean, hater so I will leave him alone. I'm glad Melissa Leo won because she really was the best but I think she might be crazy.

Thus far I'm not feeling James Franco and Anne Hatheway.... honestly thus far the show has been super awkward. If this is going to be the pace of the show all night.. I'm not going to make it through the whole show....

Ok, they are giving out awards that I'm not super committed to so I'm now going to tell you why I have officially decided to forgive Leonardo DiCaprio. If you reference a previous blog I wrote, you will find that I have beef with Leo DiCaprio for several reasons. Upon a second viewing of Inception, I have decided that it is time I put things to rest with Leo and move on. I still want him to do a comedy or something but its time I gave Leo a break and I am finally going to take him off my beef list.

Aside--uhm during the Toy Story 3 acceptance speech they panned to a dude from Pixar and his wife. Homegirls boobs were out there!

I must have missed something.. Why are Javier Bardem and Barbra Streisand's stepson wearing all white suits? What does that have to do with screenplays?

Yay! Aaron Sorkin won! Haha I loved "Roxy Sorkin, your dad just won an Academy Award. I'm going to have to demand some respect from your guinea pig!" I hope one day I do something awesome enough that I can demand that respect of people's pets...

I'm not going to lie. I'm sort of bored. I'm still not feeling Anne Hathaway and James Franco. I need a diet coke.

Best Supporting Actor! Christian Bale won! I totally forgot that he is British. Haha, I love that his acceptance speech totally turned into a commercial. I want people to drop more f bombs during their acceptance speeches like Melissa Leo. That would keep things more interesting.

Whoever would have thought that the guy from Nine Inch Nails would win an Oscar, right?

(All right, I'm not feeling this year's live show so I'm going to stop the live blogging... check back later this week where I play my own version of Fashion Police....)

My Oscar Predictions!

Its Oscar Night! One of my favorite nights of the year. Here are my predictions for tonight.

Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The Kings Speech
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter
Best Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network
Best Picture: The King's Speech

Oscar Movie Marathon!

So for the second year in a row, I have embarked on a journey that borders on bat shit crazy and pretty damn cool. I did AMC's 24-Hour Best Picture Movie Marathon. That's right, I spent 24 hours straight this weekend, watching all the Best Picture nominees.

In a good/bad scenario: it was good because all the people were super chill and laid back and a good group to spend 24 hours with. Bad because it limited the amount of crazy people watching that happened. Although, there was one quality crazy lady. This crazy lady went up to the manager to complain about the order of the movies AND then to tell him how hard it is to stay awake for 24 hours and how is SHE going to stay awake for 24 hours? It may just be me, but I think that falls into "things you should have thought about before buying tickets for a 24 hour Movie Marathon, crazy lady!"

Here are my thoughts on this year's best picture nominees:

So what do I think will be winning Best Picture tonight? The King's Speech. It was really good, great story and definitely the one out of all ten that satisfies both critiques and audiences.

What do I wish would win? The Fighter. Mark Whalberg hotness, great story, great acting, and great action! I did not expect to like this movie but EVERYONE in the audience got into this movie. It was like watching a boxing match in a bar. People were cheering and getting into it. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Movie that deserves more recognition: Inception. I truly believe if this movie had been released when the Social Network was, it would be The King's Speech biggest contender.

Most Overrated: Tie. The Social Network and Black Swan. I liked both of these movies but The Social Network is so dialogue driven it was really hard to watch a second time (and to be fair this one was shown at 4Am. ) I feel like Black Swan was good and was engaging but I feel like its one of those movies that people are all "this movie is amazing and so deep and I am so smart and high brow because I get it."

Most Overrated Performance: Natalie Portman. I was expecting to be blown away by her and I wasn't! I was aware that she was Natalie Portman the entire time so her character Nina just seemed like a REALLY unlikable version of Natalie Portman. Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone on the other hand, was amazing! The fact that Natalie keeps winning everything to me points out who political the Oscars are...

Most Underrated Movie: Toy Story 3. I honestly think this was the best movie made this year. Its a shame that because its a cartoon is isn't getting the recognition it deserves. I have seen this movie three times in the theater and each time I have SOBBED the last fifteen minutes of this movie. (We are talking Marley and Me ugly cry).

I have much more to say (and probably could say it more interestingly) but I have six brain cells fighting for life right now and I plan on live blogging it tonight during the show so stay tuned.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Live Blogging! AMAs!

So I should totally be writing not one, but two papers right now. But instead, I'm watching the AMAs and blogging.

Let's get started!

Opening: Rihanna. Uhm, Beyonce called and she wanted her "House of Dereon" outfit back. Shortly thereafter, her alter ego, Sasha Fierce also called and told her she would cut her. Then Jay-Z called and apologized to his protege and said "Bitches be crazy."

Black Eye Peas win Best Pop/Rock Band/Group/Duo. What the hell is Fergie wearing? Also I think Will.I.Am thinks he is a Lego Man.

Enrique Iglesias--seriously bad lip synching going on here. If you are going to lip synch, atleast do it well. I am convinced that when he had the mole removed part of his talent may have left with it. Oh wait! Enrique started singing but there is some really bad auto-tune going on now. I love how the camera cuts away to the whitest people in the crowd trying to dance. If I wanted to watch white people awkwardly dance, I'd just go to Shoe Carnival with my Mom & Dad.

Camera-Cut away: Taylor Swift is wearing several horses tails on her head. If you want to know what happened to Secretariat, check Taylor Swift's wig.

It's Miley! Do you think she knows her dress is completely see-through and that you can see her booty shorts? (Well yes, duh!). I'm going to give Miley a break tonight due to her parents/Bret Michaels drama.


Diddy Dirty Money. Oh Diddy! If I had a band name, I would call it Audrey Awesome AssFace. (No?). Back to the tv--this is really bad. I just really enjoyed them cutting to the audience attempting to wave their hands back and forth with the music. Nathan Fillion looked mortified that he got caught on camera. This song is really bad. Diddy should really stick to the business side of music. I forgot how awkward of a rapper he is. I'll go out and buy some Sean John if that will keep him from doing that again.

Taylor Swift and her horse hair won! I think she should thank all of her faux ex-boyfriends. Seriously, that can't be her hair.

Oh Kid Rock! I'm continually impressed that people still find him relevant. Especially since he looks like he never showers and he only wears t-shirts and jeans. I'm bored with his performance, so let's talk about how he doesn't believe in iTunes. Will someone please tap these artist hold outs who think that iTunes is ruining music that they aren't hurting anyone but themselves by not let iTunes offer your music. Look dude, if I don't want your whole album wouldn't you rather me buy atleast one or two songs from your album rather than buy nothing at all? And seriously, The Beatles were able to come to agreement. If they can come to an agreement, you can too Kid Rock. So suck it.

BSB & NKOTB are coming up!!!! Boy band explosion! I saw BSB in concert once.. like two years ago. It was like my 8th grade self met my beer drinking 25 year old self. It was a beautiful thing... and a total shit show. I would totally do it again. (I don't really care if anyone is judging me right now). If NSYNC reunites (it has to be everyone! JT included!) I am going to sell some eggs and get VIP tickets. I have this awesome Pandora station that plays all the hits from the 90s and early 2000s. I totally do the Bye Bye Bye dance at my desk. Often. (Ok, now you can judge me).


Johnny Weir. WTF? There are no words.

Black Eye Peas are performing... Time Of My Life. Oh hell no! I am about to cut a Pea. How dare they sample such a sacred piece of music. I only want to hear this song if Baby & Johnny are about to own everyone at Kellerman's. However, since I don't like BEP, this is the perfect opportunity for me to plug Jennifer Grey for DWTS. I like to call this campaign my "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner Campaign." Everyone should vote for her because A)Bristol Palin can't win. I won't even elaborate on all the reasons here, just don't do it. B) If you can't do it for Jennifer, do it for Swayze! You hear me, do it for Swayze!! C) She totally deserves to win.

Katy Perry. I knew someone would sing with kids at some point. It only took an hour before it happened. I give her props for singing live, but its sort of hard to the verses. Ok, I thought she was wearing too many clothes for Katy Perry so it made total sense when her dancers ripped off her dress thing. Everytime I see her though, I can't help but think about how much she looks like Zooey Deschanel. Especially since Elf was on earlier today. I'm half convinced they are the same person, but we are suppose to think they are different. (Conspiracy theory!)

It's Willow!! The Smith family is trying to take over the world. And they are succeeding.. I totally Whip My Hair all the time.

Its Beibs! How long before he is on DWTS? Better question, how long before one of the Jonas Brothers is on DWTS? Just saying, it is going to happen. Back to the show, the Beibs is wearing a rosary as a necklace. Dude, rosarys are not a fashion statement. I tried that back in the day, and definitely got in trouble for it. Suck it Beibs! If I my little third grade self couldn't wear a rosary as a necklace, neither can you! I'm pretty sure the song he just sang is like the new "I Believe I Can Fly." Also, puberty is not being kind to that boy's voice.


Brad Paisley won Best Country Male. I wanted him to win only because he is married to the girl that was in Father of the Bride...and I really like that movie.

Bon Jovi! I'm pretty much over them. I'm not trying to hate, but I really want Jon Bon Jovi to get a new haircut. He has been rocking that style for awhile now. Does anyone else remember when he tried to be an actor for a hot second? He was in that movie Moonlight & Valentino. That movie was pretty bad. Too bad, Justin Timberlake won't give up the acting career and go back to music. Maybe I'll start writing letters to Jon asking him to talk to Justin for me? Ok, back to the tv. They are playing Shot Through the Heart. I appreciate the fact that they still play their classics. I appreciate bands that get, that people go to see them to see them perform the classics.

This Old Navy live commerical makes me want to vomit a little. I can guarantee I will start singing that damn song by Wednesday. Damn you Old Navy! Damn you!


Is anyone surprised that the Beibs won the T-Mobile award? I'm pretty sure he is wearing a women's jacket, though. Not a good outfit to win your first AMA in Beibs... not a good outfit.

Pink. Its too bad she is knocked up and won't be flying through the air. Ok, I'm glad they acknowledged the awkward big, dude grooving in the curtains. That was awkward. I gotta give Pink props. She worked it out and she is totally preggers. Things I have consumed this evening and I am not preggers: puffy cheetos, cookies and cream ice cream, peanut butter M&Ms... oh and a Diet Coke for good measure.

Commercial Comment: I really want the MJ Wii Experience. I'm not kidding. I should probably buy a Wii before I buy the game though...


I really don't care how Ne-Yo got to the AMAs. That video packages at the beginning was weird and awkward. I'm not feeling Ne-Yo. I'll give you taste of what is going on in my living room right not "Get off the stage! Where are my boy bands! Suck it Ne-Yo." Just imagine this going on his entire performance and you will immediately understand what is going on in my living room right now.

Taylor Swift & Secretariat! It would have been way cool if she had played the entire performance suspended mid-air. You aren't preggers! Pink would have totally done it T-Swizzle! Uh oh! She is getting all Glee up in here by throwing in some mash-up action! I think T-Swizzle is an awkward dancer. I don't have anything against her. But I think it is in her best interest to keep a guitar in her hands at all times.

Best Pop/Rock Male. Do we actually think Julianne Hough is with Seacrest? I just don't seem them as a couple. I love that the Beibs just thanked MJ. Has he thanked Usher at all tonight? If he has, then I missed it!

Uhm, like 90 minutes ago they said BSB & NKOTB was coming up.. that still hasn't happened yet!


BURLESQUE!!! (I know this movie is going to be Showgirls 2... but I'm really excited about it nonetheless). I think the lights just made me have a seizure. There is a whole lot of hairography happening here. I know its hard to dance full out and sing full out but that was a whole lot of hair tossing and ass shaking. I'm mildly disappointed.


Oh Usher. I'm pretty sure this is the exact same choreography from the MTV Awards a couple of months ago, except you know without those cool slides. I think his background dancers looks like Kesha--all dirty and wearing pantyhose with holes in them. I really wish Usher would stop trying to be the "new" MJ. It ain't ever gonna happen. Its like that line from My Best Friend's Wedding:

Julianne Potter: Creme brulee can never be Jell-O. YOU could never be Jello.
Kimmy Wallace: I HAVE to be Jell-O.
Julianne Potter: You're never gonna be Jell-O!

That's right Usher. MJ was Jell-O and your never gonna be it.

Muse just won some award. I'm sure they don't care. Because they are all "We're Muse. We hate you Stephanie Meyer and Twilight. We are too cool for awards and being mainstream and stuff."

Train performance. I'm just not a fan. I like their music for a hot second but it seems like that guy is just whining ALL THE TIME and I don't want to be whined at, so then I just change the station every time their music comes on. Like right now, I really don't want to listen to that dude... I think white people are just excited that they have a song now that they can yell the phrase "Soul Sister" and not seem like the whitest person ever. I think this is the perfect opportunity for a Diet Coke break...


Man-Whore Michael Buble won Adult Contemporary. He pretty much defines what Adult Contemporary is so that wasn't a shocker.

Dirty Ass Ke$ha! I can't believe I just wrote her name the way she actually spells is. I want to start spelling my name Audr3y. Because I'm the third kid in my family, so I think it is actually pretty fitting. Hehe, I'm not sure if it was planned but Ke$ha totally smacked her dancer in the head. I don't know why but she bugs me. I think I could make an album of sing-talking. Maybe in the future, I'll do an entire blog entry of me sing talking. I like how she is fake playing guitar. Its like they were sitting around going "how can we make a girl with $ in her name seem like a legitimate artist? I know! Let's have her fake play an instrument!"

Seriously, you have been making me wait ALL night for Boy Band Heaven. I'm getting ready to cut someone.


Gavin Rossdale and Santana? I had a Gavin campaign for awhile back when he released a solo album. I sort of love him a little. I was totally obsessed back in middle school when he was in Bush. I thought he was so dreamy. I think he is still one hot piece. And he is married to Gwen Stefani. And they have cute babies. They are impossible to hate. I'm not really sure why he and Santana are performing but its all good. Santana makes pretty awesome women's shoes. I often wonder when I go to Macy's what made him get into the Women's shoe business. Its apparently working for him. They just cut to Katy Perry and she looked bored. I think she was thinking about how she wants to have a line of shoes at major department stores. I know I am.

Country bands I confuse: Lady Antebellum and Sugarland. I really enjoy that Lady Antebellum is presenting the R&B award. Here is my beef though, why is ok for them to present that award but like Nicki Minaj wouldn't be presenting the Best Country Performer award. I'm just saying. Also, I'm not entirely sure how this award is different than the one Usher won earlier in the evening. I think they are just repeating awards so it seems like they are having an awards ceremony but really it is a ruse to get all these people together to perform a really big concert. And no the award wasn't for us, that is what Trey Songz is thinking. He is actually thinking "damnit Usher! Can't you let me have anything! You stole my hoes the other night now you gotta steal my AMA!"


Seacrest! Seriously, does anyone really think he and Julianne Hough are together? I know I mentioned this earlier. I just have a hard time believing it. I don't understand how Gaga was nominated? Her album extension came out last year! The Biebs won. I'm not surprised. Ok, he totally knew he was going to win because he waited ALL NIGHT to thank Usher. Ok, even that moment warmed my cold, cold heart.

BOY BAND MANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Its about damn time... I only waited all night!)
Its skinny Nick Carter, not bloaty coked out Nick. Good for him! Seriously, he is looking pretty good. Howie is loving Kevin not being in the group anymore. He is all "I get more singy parts!" Uhm, also. I kinda think Jordan Knight may have gotten some touch up botox for this tour. He is a looking a little too fresh faced for an aging boy bander. Not bad NKOTBSB. If they came here, and tickets were cheap... I would totally go.

Thats it for the night. If you made it reading this far, I'm seriously impressed.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

An Open Letter to Justin Randall Timberlake

Dear Justin,

I am writing today to implore you to return to music. Admittedly, I did not go see the Social Network this weekend. I have plans to see it but honestly, JT (because you know, we are on a nickname basis), I sat through Alpha Dog to support you so I don't feel bad for not making it this weekend.

Speaking of Alpha Dog, I feel that I am partly to blame for your continued to foray into acting. What can I say, you have been on my list of people I support. But seriously JT, you brought sexy back, what the hell are you doing in the new Yogi Bear movie as the voice of Boo Boo Bear? Are you shitting me? That isn't sexy!

I realize that getting you back into music is going to be hard given that your movie did well this weekend, but I am not giving up. As of today, I am co-launching a grassroots campaign to get you to record some new music. There has been a consistent stream of new JT music starting in 1998 when *NSYNC hit it big in the US up until your last new album, and then without warning, you just stop making music. JT, I have almost completed a master's degree in what might be the slowest record possible, in the time that you have not released new music. Do you realize how much I could have benefited at 3AM while I was up writing a paper from a new JT jam? Apparently, you don't because here I was at 1:47AM the other night listening to Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" while trying to do work. Thats right I had to resort to old school Mariah. Justin, you new music is clearly necessary.

JT, the following is what I hope you will say to movies and rejoin the music world.


P.S. If you aren't interested in making new music, I'm also totally open to a *NSYNC reunion. Let's face it, the other guys aren't doing much these days.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

My DVR followed me to the movies...

So, as you may have noticed I have recently abandoned my little blog here. Mostly because, I'm lazy, and also because there has been anything particularly noteworthy to write about. The off-duty metro employee lip synching to "Dirty Diana" on the street corner almost got me writing again, as did the day I walked down the street with my butt hanging out (SO mortifying--I might tell you that story one day....).

So what the hell is it that has me back to writing, you ask? One word. Guidos!

To clarify that I am in no way attempting to use this word as a racial slur, but rather in the context of the "guido culture" that has been popularized as of lately with Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, and well pretty much anything that has Jersey in the title at this point.

I am firm believer in supporting the actors and actresses that I just really like both in movies and Shia LaBeouf is on my list of people I choose to support. So we went to see Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at 12:30am. I love late night movies because it is always a mixed bag of who you will see there. Excellent people watching!

So we go sit down, and this group of 6 guys walk in and I can't stop staring, and not in a like, "those guys are so hot" kind of a way, as in, I think an episode of Jersey Shore just started 6 six rows down. They are all gelled up, they had their Ed Hardy d-bag gear on, and my ABSOLUTE favorite... one was wearing sunglasses inside.

So before the movie even starts, one of the dudes comes in and he is with a theater attendant. And he is all kinds of pissed off. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in the lobby but for some reason the theater attendant seemed to think the guys had snuck into the movie. This whole situation baffled me as: A)how could you not miss these guys?! They seriously could not have been mistaken for ANYONE else at the theater last night. B) They didn't sneak in! They all had tickets! So they all start getting riled up, that at one point I really think they might fight the theater attendant (because as every Jersey Shore super fan knows, there is a ration of fights to episodes at 1:2). I almost pretended to go to the bathroom just so I could snoop. (I know, I'm a total creeper but thats besides the point!).

So they all return after several "Are we going to have a problem?" questions to each other and take their seats.

The movie starts and they are definitely an involved bunch. Half the fun of the movie was watching them watch the movie. My favorite part of this was when one of the characters destroys a particularly pricey piece of art, and one of them got all bent out of shape. To paraphrase my friend Celeste, "Who knew that they were so cultured!?"

My second favorite part was when there was almost a fight in the movie theater. At some point during the movie, the group of guys thought one particularly dramatic part was funny (I won't spoil the move for you) and they started laughing and talking. Well apparently one dude in the audience wasn't having it and yelled "Shut the fuck up!" Which was immediately responded to by three of them being like "Oh! No! Hey! Just chill out dude!" Given that there was like 6 of them and this guy didn't seem to have a whole posse to back him up, he backed down and all parties resumed watching the movie. I'm not going to lie, I was sort of hoping that they it would have gotten more interesting because at the point, I was sort of bored with the movie. (Its not a bad movie..just gets sort of long).

But here is my absolute favorite part. The one with the sunglasses... HE WORE THEM THE ENTIRE TIME! I was in awe. I mean that takes some commitment to your outfit. I sat there wondering, how did he see the movie? Is it a different cinema experience wearing the sunglasses? Did he know he was going to a movie when he chose this clearly key element to his outfit? I literally could not stop staring. I salute you sunglass guido!

The movie ended and I was half expecting the previous altercation to perhaps continue in the lobby but alas it did not. But thank you gaggle of guidos, for making my movie-going experience that much more entertaining and making my night interesting enough to write about again.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm Back!

I've been absent from the "blogosphere" for about a month. I could make up excuses about why I stopped blogging but mostly I got busy and lazy, and haven't seen anything so fascinating that it compelled me to get off my butt and blog.

Anywho, I'm back, and I have a story for you that I would like to call Captain ShittyPants.

Last Monday I had to get up at a time when only vampires and prostitutes were awake to catch a flight to Phoenix. Now, let me rewind a bit, I had just gotten in from flying in from Tennessee, no less than 12 hours before, so I probably wasn't in the best of moods to begin with. I decided to use an airport shuttle service to get back to the airport since it was so early in the morning and given the hour I was more likely to be mistaken as a lady of the night looking for a customer rather than a girl trying to catch a cab. Here is my peeve about using the airport shuttle service, they either pick you up like six years before your flight or they pick you up so late that you are running to the gate and you board the plan like a big sweaty pig.

So I have an unbearably early scheduled pick-up--5:02AM. I decided to stretch it and sleep until 4:15. At 4:42AM my phone rings. It is the driver--he is downstairs waiting for me. I hurry up and get it together and go downstairs to meet him. I am currently now the only passenger in the van.

He plugs in the address of the other passenger to be picked up. Now, I can only assume that he must have been very new to this whole driving the airport shuttle thing for two reasons 1) he could not pick a lane and stay in it. Thank god there were no cars on the road, because homeboy was all over the place. 2) he had NO clue where he was going. So, the GPS keeps telling him to turn on this street but he is convinced it is not the correct street so he keeps driving past it turning around and driving past it again, even though it is the correct street. After the 3rd time, I couldn't take it anymore and interrupt him and show him the street sign and tell him to take a left.

Here we pick up a woman who at now 5:22AM is a raging beyotch. I'm not talking the "I'm tired and cranky bitchy", I'm talking, full-on raging beyotch. She is yelling at him to come up to her apartment to get her luggage and he argues about how far away he is allowed to stray from the vehicle, she bitches some more, he finally gives in because he realizes, like me, it is just too early for this shit. Then she begins bitching about how he is early and then she bitches some more and eventually shuts the hell up.

We then take the LONGEST way to the airport. Ever. I saw parts of DC as well as Virginia that I had never visited before. Ridiculous!

So finally, we start approaching the airport and there is this FOUL stench. At first, I think it must be the area or the river, because the driver has all the windows down. The smell just keeps getting worse, so much so that I start gagging a little and the raging beyotch sitting in front of me has taken to covering her entire face with a scarf and making puckering faces. And then I realize... The driver seems to be having NO reaction to this horrible stench. At this point a little light bulb goes off--"Not only do I think the stench is coming FROM the driver, I think the driver may have shit his pants." That is the only explanation that I can think of for this god-awful, gag inducing stench.

So we continue on to the airport, and all I can think is "I think the driver shit his pants!" So then I start to feel a twinge bad about assuming that he pooped himself, but THEN, I hear it. He totally lets one rip from upfront, thus confirming that the shitastic smell is coming from him. At this point the crazy beyotch is getting out of the van as we have now reached her terminal, and I am sitting in the back of this craptastic van, marinating in its foulness. We FINALLY reach my terminal and at this point I don't know whether to vomit or burst into a fit of giggles. I get out of the van and completely do not make eye contact with the driver, and scurry away to the precious non-poop polluted oxygen of the National Airport. It is frightening when the polluted air of plane exhaust is more welcoming than the polluted smells of an airport shuttle van.

I'll never know if he actually did indeed shit his pants, because lets face it, if I had confirmed it I would have been A) throughly disgusted and B)the girl who peed her pants which would have resulted from the laughter that would have occurred upon confirmation.